Mental Health

What Does Depression Feel Like? | Blogtober 2019

depression

Photo by Camila Quintero Franco on Unsplash

One question I hear and see online is: what does depression feel like?

I bet you’ve had times when your loved ones and/or friends have seen that you’re not yourself or curious as to why you can’t go out. They try to help by saying that it’s just a bad day and to distract yourself, but it’s not as easy as that. I’ve seen comics raising this by saying you wouldn’t say that to someone with a physical illness or injury.

“Oh, it’s just a broken leg. Try to walk off.”

“Oh, you’re having a hypo? Don’t worry…just smile.”

It’s so silly but situations like this happen to anyone who suffers with a mental health illness. We shouldn’t be seen as ‘crazy’ people just because history deemed us as that.

You guys know I love my gifs and use them to communicate my feelings. I’ve honestly been horrified to see the gifs suggested on Twitter. Thankfully most of the triggering ones have been removed. I used to see people pretending to take their own life from TV shows and almost parodying someone with mental health.

Is this their answer to what depression feels like?

I’ll tell you what it feels like to me. (TRIGGER WARNING! SKIP THIS LITTLE SECTION IF YOU’RE STRUGGLING)

You know that moment when you were little when you lost your mum and panicked?

Imagine that panic in your chest and literally filling you all the way to the top, crushing you and leaving you unable to move. That’s only the start.

This morning I woke up crying. My body feel as it had the heaviest weight hanging off it and negative thoughts running through my head over and over: You’re fat! You can’t even get out of bed, you lazy cow! What’s the point in being alive? No-one would even miss me if I did die. You’re hopeless and worthless! You haven’t got a job, you keeping crying about how unfair your mind is and there are people really struggling.

My trigger was being weighed yesterday and finding that I’d put on 3lb.

For someone not struggling, they may a little put off or frustrated but would be able to carry on. As for me? I literally feel like a whale. I’m constantly prodding at the fat around my middle and my thighs. I can’t look in the mirror without seeing a double chin.

It’s an illness. It’s like you have the worst flu ever, causing you to ache, tremble, wish that there was someone there to hold you and say it’ll pass.

Depression affects people differently and it doesn’t mean that you’re struggling all the time. We can smile, we can laugh, we’re utterly normal. Please don’t doubt us or force us to move. Just sit there, listen and we’ll talk when we can.

Whatever you’re going through, call the samaritans free any time, from any phone, on 116 123.

What does depression feel like to you?

 

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