Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and, since you know I chat about my mental health and really want to help anyone who is struggling also, I knew that I needed to tell you about my darkest moments. If you are battling with whatever mental health you have, this post could trigger you. I appreciate you clicking on my blog but I’d rather you think of yourself and I have plenty of happier posts for you to read so check them out.
If you honestly want to read this, then thank you and I’m sorry.
When I’m in my darkest moments, the world is void of colour. There is only nothing except little sparks that try to get through to me. The colour does come back eventually but it’s a battle that I fight with every single minute of every single day.
The first time I thought about attempting suicide was when I was 14 years old.
I had to deal with so many bullies at school telling me that I was fat, ugly, that I should die and they also told me that I caused my dad’s death. Hearing that only a few months after losing him and having already been bullied since primary school…I didn’t want to be alive anymore. Every night I would lie in my bedroom and place a pillow over my face to see what it would be like to suffocate myself. Part of me knew my mum was already grieving but I also thought she would be better without me. It sounds stupid to believe what these bullies were telling me but I did think I killed him.
I still do.
Around the same time I starting hitting myself.
You wouldn’t think that hitting yourself could be a form of self-harm but I’ve recently been told that it was my way of getting my frustration out.
I actually took my ‘practice’ suicide attempts to the next level last year when I tried to take an overdose. This was on the day my mum had choked on food, stopped breathing and I’d been told that she wouldn’t survive the night. I had made a vow to myself that if she went then so would I, hence the attempt. My overdose was actually done in the middle of the hospital reception with crowds of people near me. No-one took notice of me crying and taking one tablet after another. In total I took 20 and only stopped there because I had ran out.
It was my mum’s doctor who I told my attempt to and he was so nice. He crouched down next to me and asked how many I had taken and whether I still wanted to. I nodded and he walked with me down to the emergency department. Thankfully I hadn’t done any damage to myself and was admitted for a couple of days to have 15 hour IV flushes to reverse any effects I could have done to myself. I guess I saw this attempt as a way of staying beside Mum and not having to go home alone.
My more recent attempt was back in January of this year.
This time I was extremely close to walking into traffic and it was why I finally ended up in my local mental health unit. It was a voluntary section and I was so upset with myself that I was so week. My mind was everywhere at that month. The idea of starting my first ever year without any of my parents was terrifying and it’s something I’m still struggling with. I was very close to overdosing again this weekend but called Samaritans in time.
Suicidal urges are something I have to deal with every single day but my friends and the thought of what my parents would think keeps me alive.
You are never alone.
There are so many organisations out there that will sit with you for hours and let you sob, scream, curse at the world until everything was telling you to die eases. Suicide may seem like the only option but it’s never an option.
I watch Ted Talks and videos that I know will make me smile and laugh. Anything to distract me from my thoughts until I see a doctor the next day or until the urges have died down. There’s a few Talks that I would love to share before I go: