Monthly Archives

March 2018

Lifestyle

How I’m Coping With My Anxiety Of Moving Home

Moving

It’ll be April in a couple of days and that means moving month! You can imagine that there are so many emotions going on inside me right now from excitement of a new beginning in a place of my own to grief that I’m leaving the place where both my parents had been alive. I’ve been here the longest in my life and very difficult to let go even though I have a love/hate relationship with it. My dad actually passed away upstairs so I don’t have the best of memories here. That said, I did have some okay memories here like laughing with my mum, having TV cameras from the BBC and some other stuff.

I have always moved with my parents in the past and the idea of having to move on my own is stressful. Thankfully I am getting some help from my local council with the moving costs, but still crazy having to find ways to get rid of some of my parents’ furniture that doesn’t suit my taste and choosing what to keep. I’m having a viewing of the flat after Easter so I’ll get a basic idea of the space there and what I have to work with. If there was any time where I could do with winning the lottery, it would be now!

You guess how high my anxiety is at the minute. I’m literally having non-stop attacks every day and it’s so bad. My chest is really tight, I’ve had a couple of nights where I’m just randomly crying and, when I went to see my GP yesterday, she said there was nothing she could do for me since I’m already doing everything. Yeah, that does nothing for me since I’ll have weeks to wait until my first CBT appointment. It’s so stupid sometimes when doctors refuse to give you some temporary help while the situation is stressful. Ah well, looks like it’s up to me to find ways to cope with my moving anxiety!

plan for everything:

I am a massive lover of lists! My friend Lisa got me this gorgeous little Kikki K notebook which I’ve been using to jot down ideas of what I need to plan! I’ve been going on Pinterest and looking up a bunch of moving tips to make things easier for me the weeks before and on the day. You’d be surprised how helpful these have been! I jotted down a ‘Change Address’ checklist with a tick boxes of all the places I need to contact to let them know my new address. Thankfully, being the odd person I am, I don’t actually have that many people to let know which takes off some of that added pressure!

Knowing that I won’t be just happy with a written checklist, I found this really handy printable from Girl About Townhouse which has been a god-send! If you know you have everything planned for, then you can just tick off the boxes and enjoy the process of moving into that new place of your own!

pack yourself a first-night box

I had never considered this an option at first but it’s a pretty obvious thing to do, right? You don’t want to be scavenging through all of your boxes for your toothbrush, tea-bags and essentials! Since we’re talking about what I’ll be like moving, here are some things that will be including in my box:

PERSONAL: 

Bedding (duvet cover and pillow cases)
Toilet paper
Toothpaste
Hand soap
Towel
Medication
Painkillers
Pyjamas

PRACTICAL:

Cleaning supplies
Phone charger
Rubbish bags
Pen and paper
Rubber gloves
Permanent marker
Light bulbs
Torch

KITCHEN STUFF:

Cups
Paper plates
Kitchen towels
Snacks
Tea bags
Pet food
Knives and forks
Cat litter

This is one way not to worry about not having something important! This is such a new experience to me but I’m actually having a lot of fun.

colour-code your boxes

It’s bad enough having lots of boxes in your room and not being able to figure out what is in each box. This is when my stationery heart sings! If you want to stand a chance, grab colourful stickers/post-it notes and label each of the boxes! You can say what room they’re meant to go in, what’s in them and whether they are fragile/heavy. It makes me feel like I’m going on an adventure and, though it might seem childish, it feels like a game!

I’m thinking about doing more posts about my upcoming move so if you want to see more of these, let me know down in the comments below!

What are your best tips for moving with anxiety?

Lifestyle

5 Youtubers I Was Addicted With In March

youtubers

With March coming to an end (good riddance, I say! Stupid snow!), I thought I’d start chatting about my favourites for the month but in parts. This first part, as you can see from the title, is all about the Youtubers who I’ve either loved for a while or only just discovered this month! You’ll see that my tastes are really randomly so if I lose you along the way, I did warn you! Some you may have heard of before and others you will not have heard before but should have!

thomas sanders

Alright, so seeing as he has over 2 million subscribers, you’ve probably heard of Thomas before but I’m still including him. My blog, my rules! I was actually a big fan of him when he was more known for his Vines and I was giggling away at whatever he created! Seriously…how did he come up with so many great ideas that were really relatable too?! Ever since Vine closed (RIP), he transitioned over to Youtube and it’s no surprise that he’s just as amazing, maybe even better! He is an incredible actor and singer which you can see in his latest video (DISNEY MASHUP!), has created a group of characters that are based on different aspects of his personality: Patton (Morality), Virgil (Anxiety), Roman (Creativity) and Logan (Logic). I love the Sander Sides videos the most since I suffer from anxiety so can definitely relate to Virgil a lot with looking negatively at things but then you have Patton is so freaking adorable! GAHHH!

fly with stella

This will probably seem like a weird choice, but watching vlogs of a flight attendant’s life is so interesting and, once you watch a few of Stella’s videos, you’ll understand why you end up subscribing. I found her when I was searching for ‘What’s In My Bag’ videos. Yeah…I love watching those! I’m a nosy girl, alright?! Stella is really infectious with her laughter, her enthusiasm and stories when she travels around the US and the world. I bet all my Travel blogger friends will love this! Yep, I’m looking at you, Katy and Charlie!

JESS MEDLEY

My performer side instantly latched onto Jess’ videos mostly because of her singing and then because she loves Harry Potter and Disney! She’s literally like an American version of me except more prettier and more talented than me! Hahah! This girl seriously needs to get onto Broadway already so I can buy a ticket to watch her perform and fangirl. Though I already do that on Instagram so I’m waiting to be blocked any day now! I found her after looking for songs from the Addams Family Musical. I found her singing Pulled and, before I knew it, I was subscribed! If you need another reason to love this lady, she has a rabbit called Lumos! HE’S SO CUTE!

HOLLY GABRIELLE

Holly is a recent find! One of my friends has gotten into Cambridge University so I wanted to look more into the place and somehow stumbled upon Holly! I actually didn’t start with her uni vlogs as I saw she did ‘Study With Me’ videos and, being a stationery lover, I loved seeing all the different types of pens and techniques she used to study! These are still really handy even if you’ve not been at school for 10 years. I’m olddddd! Holly is such a sweetheart! I love getting the chance to look around a place I’ve always wondered about but knew I’d never get into so I’m living the life through her! Hehe. She’s intelligent, a great dancer and a vegan!

RUBY GRANGER

Another study vlogger who I love and this one is all inspired by Hermione Granger! There are not enough youtubers out there who are based off a love for a Harry Potter character! She doesn’t pretend to be Hermione, but does ‘Study With Me’, revision techniques and is basically a real-life person who is the closest thing to Hermione that I’ve seen! She’s so polite and inspiring since you can tell how much effort she puts into her school-work! I wish someone like this had been around when I’d been doing my GCSEs and A-Levels! Stupid fact that I’m old!

Which Youtubers have you been loving this month? (I need more people to watch!)

Lifestyle

My New Flat Wishlist

If you don’t follow me on Twitter, then you won’t have heard the announcement that I will be moving into my new flat next month! Being the broke blogger that I am, I couldn’t help creating a wish-list of items I would love to take with me but knowing that they’re just a little dream for now. Yes, even the cheaper stuff! Darn my poor life! Haha! Moving into a flat of my own is a massive deal for me, especially since it will be a place of my own that wasn’t owned by my parents and very scary, mental health-wise! I have already a few nightmares of people breaking into the flat, the neighbours not liking me and just every thing that a new tenant could possibly think of. I sound so paranoid, don’t I?

Don’t get me wrong…I’m SO excited to get the chance to decorate the flat all in my own taste!! My Hufflepuff palace will finally happen! Ali and Emmie, you girls better be ready to help! I need all the DIY knowledge!  I’ve gotten myself a Pinterest folder of all the things I love the look of from paint (I’m looking towards duck egg!), furniture (broke person again so going to have to save up) and decorations for around the place. That’s where this wish-list comes in to its own! I’ve picked out a bunch of normal things and, of course, nerdy things that I would fit my tastes.

New Flat

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Lifestyle

25 Ideas To Fill Your Empty Notebooks

Empty Notebooks

I can vouch that I’m not the only one out there that is obsessed with stationery, especially notebooks. I love getting the chance to buy new notebooks with gorgeous covers if I visit PaperchaseWHSmith or even stalking online. There is so much to choose from and I love it! The problem with buying any empty notebooks is that I hate using them in case I make mistakes and ruin them! I know the whole purpose of them is to be filled but they are so pretty!!

With lots of birthdays happening and everyone getting notebooks as presents or treating themselves to some on payday, here are some ideas for filling them:

  1. Dreams (either the ones you have at night or the ones you aim for in life)
  2. Travel Scrapbook & Journal
  3. Letters To Friends (a book that you send to a friend/to friends with a letter and they reply to it and send it back)
  4. Letters To Heaven
  5. Your Favourite Quotes/Lyrics
  6. A Gratitude Journal
  7. A Reading Log (remember all the books you’ve read and any passages that you particularly loved)
  8. Favourite Recipes
  9. A Blog Log (use it for your own blog or for your favourite blogs)
  10. An Inspiration Journal (full of mood boards/magazine cutouts)
  11. Your Favourite Washi Tape Swatches
  12. Tweets That Made You Laugh/Your Heart Melt
  13. Art Practice (drawings or doodles)
  14. Mental Health Tracker (talk about low days, triggers, CBT appointments)
  15. A Meal Planner
  16. Things You Wanted To Say But Didn’t
  17. A Book of Lists
  18. Relationship Scrapbook
  19. Collage Moodboards (seasons, words)
  20. Favourite Instagram Pictures
  21. A Year In Red Carpet Looks
  22. Time Tracker
  23. A Nature Journal
  24. Letters To Your Baby
  25. Brush Letter Practice

It’s safe to say that I’m going to be using some of these for my own notebooks if I can get away from the whole ‘OMG I’M GONNA MESS THIS UP). I hope that these ideas help you to get things written down and maybe you’ll get some memories jotted down that you’ll appreciate later in life.

Are you guilty of owning too many empty notebooks?

Mental Health

My Experience Of Being On Anti-Depressants

anti-depressants

As of this year, I will have been on anti-depressants for over 4 years. It might not seem long at all compared to others but it’s a big deal. It took me decades to allow myself to seek help for my mental health and, like any other illnesses, I discovered that I needed medication to function properly. Everyone is different so I know that people can come off their anti-depressants with time, but I’ve been told by my GPs that a balance of therapy and medication will a long-term thing. Ah well, I’d rather be able to have more good days than bad.

This post will consider some triggering moments so this is a warning to anyone who might get triggered or distressed.

I’ve seen a bunch of friends recently tweeting that their GPs had put them onto the pills and were worried about being on them. I wanted to tell my experiences on here so that I could maybe help anyone that is thinking about taking or have started taking. It’s easy to become angry at yourself for having to take any type of anti-depressant but that is so far from the truth. You are strong and brilliant!

Okay, let me get one of my story! I have battled with a form of mental health ever since I was a kid after being bullied intensely at school. You’d be amazed at how many people developed social anxiety and self-hatred because of words thrown at them. I’ve actually spoken about my depression and anxiety through videos so, if you have any spare time, feel free to check them out! I’ve officially been diagnosed since 2014 which was actually when I was in my final year at university. I had never thought about going to see someone about how low I was even though I’d done counselling at school and knew the signs. I guess I thought I didn’t want to be a nuisance to anyone including my mum. She’d actually done mental health nursing so told me to go and talk to someone.

I still felt like I was seriously letting myself down, but part of me was glad that I could actually tell someone I was really feeling without being judged or seen as weird. The doctor who I spoke to was so nice and listened to me rattle on through tears. My mum was there too and I could tell that she was pretty shocked about how dark my thoughts had been. I discovered it was better to say everything because I think I wanted the help before I did something stupid!

I was put on Citalopram which I’d never heard before and I was at first scared of taking them. I was one of those people who always checked the side effects and became terrified. That said, I still took them because I knew that they were there to help me, not harm me. They did make me feel like I had a bad flu, aching all over and really bad headaches. Thankfully I was able to function with painkillers and distracting myself with university. I was on these particularly meds for around 3 years until I noticed that they weren’t working as much as they had. I was starting to have more low days and I went back to the doctor to discuss what I was feeling. This one was pretty rubbish and didn’t look at me when he spoke which made me feel uncomfortable and had me walking out of the appointment.

I didn’t feel safe talking about such personal details with someone who didn’t seem to care about what I was saying. I managed to get another appointment that same day with a mental health nurse who prescribed Sertraline (the anti-depressants I’m on at the minute) and I’ve had something of a love/hate relationship with them. One of the side effects that comes with these is weight gain and, for someone who hates their body with passion, putting on weight is a nightmare. I’ve been been over-eating anyway since Mum passed away which wouldn’t have helped but I know the anti-depressants have affected me too. That said, I do think they’ve helped. What you need to understand with medication (if you’ve never taken any before) is that it takes a while to find the right dosage. You get given a low dose and it gets slowly more and more depending on how it affects your mental health. Right now I’m on 150mg which is apparently a high dose but I’d rather be on that than back in the unit I went into in January.

Another meh thing about them are the withdrawal. DON’T FORGET TO TAKE THEM! You feel so bad when you forget them for a couple of days. It’s easy to think it’s okay not taking them if you’re feeling really good and haven’t felt low for a while, but believe me, the medication gods don’t like you doing that and you get hit badly with intense dizziness, nausea…the works. If you feel as if you need less, go back to your GP and they’ll be able to slowly reduce your dosage safely for you.

I hope my experience has helped anyone going through this situation. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. You’re not being a burden on anyone and you’re not weak for having to take these. You wouldn’t think about saying that to someone suffering from a disability, would you? You matter and people around you care. If you want more information on anti-depressants, then check out the Mind website. They have really detailed guides to what can be taken and what happens. The Blurt Foundation also has links to forums where you can chat to other people with mental health so you don’t feel alone.

Are any of you on anti-depressants? Let me know your experience in the comments below!

Fandom Harry Potter

4 Ways To Celebrate Your House Pride Day

House Pride

Over the last few days, all the Hogwarts Houses have been celebrating their House pride through special days! First we had my House (Hufflepuff) and today we have the house of the brave…Gryffindor! I don’t know if it’s just me but I’m always showing off my love for Hufflepuff so I thought that I’d share some of the ways that I have been celebrating and showing off my house pride to the muggle world!

Show your House Pride through colour

There is no better way to show off how proud you are of being at Hogwarts than wearing the colour that goes with your particular House. This works especially if you don’t have any of the uniform to hand. You can easily find yellow, red, green or blue in your wardrobe somewhere and it doesn’t even have to be full-on! You know yourself that what the colour represents and that is enough sometimes!

If you do have a uniform or a t-shirt with your House name, then throw that on! You would be amazed at how many people will comment on your outfit. I had a few people give the thumbs-up when I was wearing my Hufflepuff shirt from Loot Crate and you just knew they were fellow badgers! I loved it! Haha!

Post it all over social media

One thing I love about our generation is that we’re very quick at posting what we love on our social media and I’m totally guilty of this. No shame though! Take pictures of your favourite characters from your House like Newt Scamander, Luna Lovegood, Scorpius Malfoy…you get the gist! Don’t just stop at Twitter…go mad on Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook, WhatsApp! No social media is safe from our love!

I need no excuse to plaster pictures, quotes and the like wherever I go. I think it’s pretty much accepted by everyone that I’m always going to be the Potter-crazed girl who needs to be friends with every Potterhead! I love when people get creative with their posts too!

Make a Youtube Video

Youtube isn’t escaping from us! Nope! If you have a Youtube channel or follow a Youtuber who is also a Harry Potter fan, then don’t be afraid to make a video about your house pride or to tell that vlogger how proud you that they’re in the same House as you. Vegard and Seamus…I LOVE YOU GUYS!! (Please don’t get a restraining order on me! XD)

You could talk about the best characters (they don’t even have to be from your bunch!), share quotes that meant a lot to you, do a speed drawing or even dress up in cosplay and make a music video. There are so many ideas!

Draw some fan art

If the idea of sitting in front of a camera is a little too scary but you can draw (even if you can’t! I do a mean stick-man!), then draw away!! Recreate your Hogwarts uniform, doodle the Founders of Hogwarts, sketch the actors who played characters in the films! LET YOUR IMAGINATION GO WILD!!

Whatever you feel comfortable doing, do it! You could simply wear a badge and that would be enough.

Happy #GryffindorPrideDay to all the lions out there! (Looking at you, Laura!)

How do you show your House Pride?

Lifestyle Mental Health

3 Ways I’m Discovering My Own Look

One of my big goals for 2018 (yes, I know we’re in March!) was to tackle a major flaw I have which is my body confidence. I have battled with this ever since I was a teenager and I finally decided that enough was enough. I needed to start finding ways to sort this part of me out once and for all. I’m tackling the psychological side through CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) but only I could put it into practice.

I’ve loved looking at fashion from reading/watching my favourite fashion bloggers, checking out all the new trends happening at fashion weeks to trying to discover what designers people are wearing on red carpets. I find it really interesting seeing their stylists putting together these gorgeous looks from the runway and yet putting their own edge on it. That’s what my babbling here is trying to explain: I’m currently going through a little self-experiment on discovering my own look.

As a teen, I didn’t even really try looks out and instead stuck to wearing baggy hoodies and jeans. Very comfy and something I still wear at home but not much to look at when you’re out and about. Well, I have worn out in the last week due to it being freaking freezing outside!

I thought I’d share with you the 3 ways I’m discovering my own look and slowly finding out who I am. I’m never going to be a fashion blogger because I’m pretty odd but trying anyway!

Look at bloggers you admire but don’t copy their look

I love reading posts from some of my favourite bloggers where they’re sharing their latest outfit pictures and you have that little fangirl over them and the stuff they’re wearing. In the past I have tried to do my best to copy what some of the bigger bloggers were wearing to try and fit in with people, but it has never worked. It will never work because I’m not them! That’s their style and they’re usually a lot skinner than me anyway. Haha! That said, I’m learning to take some inspiration. With HelloMissJordan, I love the feminine look Jordan embraces with her Ted Baker dresses, her tulle and how comfortable she looks. Thanks to her, I’m taking myself out of my comfort zone a little and trying to add some girly touches to what I wear like chokers and, when the weather starts to get a little warmer, dresses! YAY!

Don’t be afraid to be different

Oh, this has been a toughie! I was bullied so much at school for not wearing what everyone else was and it really knocked my confidence for looking like anyone, including myself. That’s why I went for the hoodies because I could hide my body and not make any effort in case someone wanted to mock me. It’s only in the last couple of years that I have started to knock down the wall I’d created around myself and allow myself to feel happy with being different. I know I don’t necessarily look all that different but the fact that I’m showing my fandom love in my look is a big deal! I don’t even bat an eyelid at throwing on a Star Wars or a Harry Potter t-shirt. They make me so happy and that what I feel fashion is about! You can thank Zoe London and Midnight In Lace for this.

Don’t rush yourself

It’s so easy to throw all of the bits and pieces you’ve been inspired by and try to put everything into an outfit. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve triggered my anxiety and body hate by rushing myself. Between that and not having any of the funds to buying what I want. I’m doing my best to use the pieces I have loved after scouring the internet and putting them onto a Pinterest board. These are my goals! I make a list of what I need to do in my life that I usually struggle with and, every time I get them done, I add money to a pot so I can eventually buy what I want to wear. It makes going into store and buying it even more excited!

It’s probably to take me a while until I’m fully comfortable in my own look but at least I can say that I’m doing my best and, if I can get my mental health more stable, then maybe the confidence will increase a little. A bit of wishful thinking never did anybody any harm, did it?

How have you been discovering your own look?

Fandom Harry Potter

Why I Love Being A Hufflepuff

If you follow me on Twitter or even Instagram, you’ll know that I love shouting to everyone about being a Hufflepuff and I’m very proud of being in the House of the Badger! I’ve had friends tell me that Hufflepuff is such a boring House and we do nothing compared to the others. Oooooh, don’t get me started! Up until we discovered that Newt Scamander was a Hufflepuff (LOVE YOU, NEWT!), my House wasn’t popular at all. Everyone hated the idea of being Sorted here on Pottermore and we were over-looked. That was your biggest mistake.

Never underestimate a Hufflepuff.

Just because we’re loyal and caring doesn’t mean we’re dumb. You’d soon learn how dangerous we can be if you attack someone we care about. Do that and not even a Gryffindor would be brave enough to come in between us and you.

Yeah, think about that. Haha!

Okay, so I went on a bit of a weird tangent then so let me get back on track and tell you why I love being a Hufflepuff so much:

FRIENDSHIP/LOYALTY:

Alright, I know what I said about not being only about friendship but this is a big thing for Hufflepuffs. We’re an intensely loyal group and love to surround ourselves with people we care about. I’m a little like the Luna Lovegood of my House as in I don’t like to be in massive groups. I don’t have that many friends but, saying that, I do have a small group that I love with all my heart. Like my mum always used to say: ‘It’s not about how many friends you have, it’s about the quality of people you surround yourself with.’ I’ve always kept this close to my heart. It takes me a while to trust someone with seeing the real me behind all the crazy goofiness but, once you’ve seen that side, then you’ll know how much I care about you and know that I will always be there for you.

Yep, there is my Hufflepuff shining through!

If you attack yourself, I will do everything in my power to fight you against that and prove how special you are, even if I have to do it with GIFs. Yeah, I have a gif problem.

Proud Hufflepuff

I LOVE BEING DIFFERENT TO EVERYONE ELSE:

This is a big reason for me! I used to hate being different to everyone and tried my hardest to conform, but it’s so against my nature to be like others. I love being unique and I guess Pottermore saw that in me when they Sorted me here. You might think we’d complain more because Gryffindor and Slytherin get so much more merchandise than we do. However, Primark has been giving us badgers so much to work with these last few months and I’m in love!

We’re slowly taking over the world, one shop at a time.

When I go to conventions and spot a Harry Potter meet-up, it’s usually a sea of lions and snakes but, because we’re yellow, you can easily see the Hufflepuffs in the crowd. We stand out without even having to say a word.

WE’VE WORKED HARD TO GET WHERE WE ARE:

Like I said, we aren’t considered the most popular House but we’ve battled to get noticed in the Wizarding World and our work is finally paying off, thanks to J.K Rowling and Eddie Redmayne. People are finally starting to see us not the rubbish House, but something they want to be a part of. We’re not boring…we’re fun! I mean…come on. Our Common Room is near the kitchens so we can easily pop in and grab some food for a midnight feast!

Okay…so we have a couple of Hufflepuffs who were idiots. Yes, I’m looking at you, Zacharias Smith. We do have awesome students too like Cedric Diggory who helped Harry with part of the second task and was an amazing Quidditch player and Tonks who is so cool and a freaking Metamorphmagus! Just because we’re not a major part of the story doesn’t mean we weren’t there. Look at this quote about us in the Battle of Hogwarts:

The Hufflepuffs, virtually to a person, stay – as do the Gryffindors. Now, the Gryffindors comprise a lot of foolhardy and show-offy people… You know, there’s bravery and there’s also showboating, and sometimes the two go together. The Hufflepuffs stayed for a different reason. They weren’t trying to show off, they weren’t being reckless. That’s the essence of Hufflepuff House.

See?

We didn’t stay to fight to show off our skills. We stayed because it was the right thing to do and remember what I said about being loyal? That includes the school too!

So…what do you think about Hufflepuff now?

Harry Potter Mental Health

How I Stay Happy With A Mental Health Illness

As well as the first day of Spring (even thought it is FREEZING), it is International Day of Happiness! One of the questions I’m asked by some of my family is ‘how can you be happy when you’re supposed to be depressed’? Insert dramatic eye-roll right here. It is a serious misconception that people who have mental health illnesses can never be happy and are forever depressed. I’m here to tell you that the majority of the time I’m okay…obviously I’m on a high level of medication to help me, but I can laugh and smile like everyone else. If you have depression, anxiety, bipolar or another mental health problem and are feeling like you can never be happy again, you can.

Everyone is different!

When I’m happy, I can sing and dance around my living room to Queen or Disney songs and giggle with my friends online. When I’m low, I have no energy whatsoever to eat or get out of bed. I thought I’d share what I do that helps put a smile on my face.

Singing to my favourite songs makes me happy

If anyone looked at the music on my phone, they would wonder what is going on since I’m literally all over the place with songs. I go from relaxed (Enya), 90s cheese (Steps, Boyzone, Venga Boys), TV themes (Pokemon, Monkees) to Rock (Metallica, AC/DC). I’m actually really picky with my music and only choose the songs that made me happy when I was younger or in the past. I know for certain that play the Pokemon theme tune will immediately get me grinning and turning it up full blast! You can never go wrong! GOTTA CATCH THEM ALLLLLL!

Sitting in the sun makes me happy

We might not have gotten much sun lately with the Beast From The East and its twin brother hitting the UK, but since it’s Spring and the weather is set to get warmer than it has been, I’ll be taking full advantage of my local park to sit in the sun. It’s away from the busy roads and the only sounds I can hear are the wind blowing through the trees and birds singing. This always makes me happy and I love it!

Being part of a fandom makes me happy

Well duh! I’m a fandom blogger so of course being a part of a fandom would make me feel happy! Fandoms, especially Harry Potter, are like one big family that you catch up with every now and again for happy occasions. With the Crimes of Grimmauld teaser coming out lately, Twitter got overwhelmed with us Potterheads losing it over seeing Eddie and Jude. I’m still fangirling over it now! You can do so much together as a fandom such as chatting about the latest news, discussing theories that have been spoken about way too often but always end up finding new ways to look at them, preparing for new stuff like episodes, releases and more. I’m not just a part of the Harry Potter fandom…look at my blog banner!

Talking to friends makes me happy

I know…I know. This is such a Hufflepuff answer but it’s true! I may struggle chatting to people offline but I do have people I’ve known for years who I can chat with so easily. I’ve got fellow fangirls/boys, people who suffer from mental health like me (and let me cry to them when things get too much), theatre people, friends who live on the other side of the world…you get the idea. I love hearing about their day, what they’re up to and catching up even though we usually talk every other day!

Being happy makes me happy

Suffering with depression does make it really hard to be happy sometimes especially when something triggers you and could last for days or even weeks. It’s trying to capture those little moments when the pressure is lifted off for a moment and allow yourself to smile even just a little bit. Today I’ve been able to have a laugh with a few people even though I’m also feeling really anxious about my weight. It’s a weird thing but even if the happiness lasts only a few hours, I’ll take it!

What makes you happy?

Mental Health

Dear Mum (I Miss You)

Dear Mum,

Today is my first Mothers Day without you and, to be honest, I’ve been finding it really difficult.

We’ve always done something for the day, whether it’s going out for a meal, going for a drive to Chatsworth House or even just seeing a film. I know we missed a few days when you were on shifts but at least I knew you were coming home so I could give you your flowers and a card.

This year, I know you’re never coming home.

I never realized how much I needed you still until you were gone and how much I’m going to need you in the future.

I’ll never get to tell you how much I love you every day and to hear you say ‘Love you too’.

You’ll never get to see me getting married like we’d planned with you coming up the aisle with me on your zimmer to ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’. Now I’ll have two empty chairs at the front with the pictures of Dad and you.

You’ll never get to be the grandma that you know you desperately wanted to be and I still feel guilty every day that I never got a partner and got pregnant for you to enjoy that. You used to love watching all the baby shows and look at baby clothes when we were shopping. At least you bought a little Peppa Pig baby-gro and came up with the name ‘Olivia Jane’ for if I ever have a daughter.

It doesn’t matter that if I’m 30. I really wish you were here today.

People say I’m being so strong and that you both would be really proud of me, but I feel the youngest that I’ve ever been and the most foolish. It’s stupid to think but I worry now that you’ve seen all the stupid things I’ve done when you’ve not been around and heard all the lies that I wish I could take back. I know we fought sometimes and that I yelled at you when I was frustrated. Like you said, we were more like sisters than mother and daughter sometimes and I was honoured.

Seeing everyone buying cards and presents this week has been so difficult.

I wish shops would remember that not everyone will have their mum today or that mothers may have even lost their child. Maybe it’s selfish but I struggle at the best of time without having what I don’t have shoved in my face every time I walk in.

I’ve been listening to the voice messages you left me on my phone and you’d be laughing over the fact that I’m cried every time I did. You know I cried at every sad film and you always had to call me over to comfort me. Never got through Titanic with a dry eye, did I?

I guess the silver lining is is that you’re reunited with your own mum and get to spend your first Mothers Day with her in over 61 years.

If I do become a Mum one day, I hope I’m as brilliant as you were.

I love you, Mummy.

Happy Mothers Day.